Friday, February 10, 2012

Behind Close Doors

Right now in Phoenix, the Flames coaches are getting together to try to figure out how the Flames are going to win a faceoff. Let’s listen in on the conversation as coach Sutter, Lowry, and Hartsburg brainstorm with different ideas. My sources have hidden audio for us; chipmunks are very sneaky that way.

Sutter: "Before we get into today’s meeting, whose turn is it to make sure Olli gets driven to the closest McDonalds?"

Hartsburg: "Making him eat three of those combos was maybe crossing the line, Coach; he almost puked in my car twice!"

Lowry: "It’s my turn, but I am not going to be the one to drug him this time so we can get him in the car."

Sutter: "This time we make him eat four. We really need the two points."

Hartsberg: "You crazy *******! You can't make him eat four big Mac's!”

Sutter: "You *****************! You call me a ******** and you could get demoted to Glencross's driver!”

[I interrupt this dialog until the language quiets down. Sorry about that, but we couldn't let it go on due to this being a family site. We now join the conversation in progress four hours later.]

Lowry: "Look, you nimrods, we still have to figure out how to get Olli drugged so we can make him eat the Big Macs."

Sutter: "We will get Jackman to do it. Tell it he has to do it for the team."

Lowry: "Fine. It’s my turn to take him; I will get Jackman to do it after the meeting.”

Sutter: "So now on to the reason we are here today. Faceoffs. How are we going to get our Centres to win one?"

Hartsburg: "We threaten to shoot them if they don't win the draw."

Lowry: "Wouldn't work. They would all be dead 5 minutes into the game, and we would all be in jail."

Hartsburg: "That's the beauty of my plan -- we wouldn't actually shoot them."

Sutter: "They would stop believing us after 10 minutes, and lose respect for us."

Lowry: "We could dress up as players and take the draws ourselves."

Hartsburg: "I don't think we could. The Refs would catch us."

Sutter: “Not only that, we would lose our breaths trying to get back to the bench so the centre could come out to take his shift."

Lowry: "Then you guys know what this means."

Hartsburg: "No! There has to be another way."

Sutter: "Let’s not be too hasty, Dave."

Lowry: "We have to clone Kipper and let him take all the draws. He does everything else on this team."

Sutter: "We can't yet. Our device has not been tested yet. We don't know if it will work."

Hartsburg: "Then I guess it’s back to practice."

Sutter: "Whoever said ‘practice makes perfect’ was clearly wrong! It seems to make us worse and worse."

Lowry: "Let’s put this issue on the backburner for now, until we can test the clone machine."

[Wow, sorry for the interruption, but who would have thought that the Flames would have a clone machine!?!]

Sutter: "Okay; let’s close with our chant. All together now: "OILERS SUCK!"

There you have it. The meeting ends and the coaches get ready to take Olli to McDonald's.



  1. Hahaha, if this was a real meeting I would demand Sutter to be fired. Oh wait I want him gone anyway.

  2. i hope they begin to threaten players to win face offs we are awful at them and we will miss the playoffs as a result WE NEEEEEED A REBUILD


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