Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Real Reason Joe Nieuwendyk Won't be Calgary's GM

The Flames have met with many candidates for the vacant GM position. My sources who sneaked into the room have reported back on what has been happening. There are two major problems with signing the new GM. Now bear with me, because I am just learning squirrelnese, so it is kind of hard to understand my source. If you know any squirrel interpreters, I could really use the help. 

There are three major contenders for the position:

Lanny McDonald 

Yes, Lanny was brought in to interview for the position. Burke thought he would be good for public relations. But in the end, negotiations fell apart for a couple of reasons. Let’s listen in:

Burke: Before we discuss the money, we have to discuss the physical requirements for the job.

Lanny: Oh, okay. I could have my doctor send you my medical records.

Burke: That would not be necessary. Your health is not the concern.

Lanny: I am little confused; what are the physical requirements? 

Burke: You do not fit the guideline of 6’7”, and your IQ is under 300. We need to be bigger and smarter.

Lanny: Then why did you bring me in? Is 300 IQ even possible? 

Burke: Well, before we look at smarter, we need to look at bigger. You have to grow like 7 inches to qualify.

Lanny: How the heck am I going to do that? 

Burke: How do you feel about the rack? 

Lanny: Are you crazy? You want to torture me? 

Burke: Oh, don't be such a weinie! Well, never mind. More importantly: how do you feel about plastic surgery? 

Lanny: Why? 

Burke: Because we have to permanently stitch some strings into your head. And hands. And feet. So I can control everything you do. You know. Like one of those French puppets.

Lanny: WHAT????????

Burke: Wait; I am not finished. We also have to install a shock collar, so I can curb your impulse to say no to me.

For some reason, Lanny then broke into some explicit language. Which we cannot use in this blog. My sources think maybe it is Tourette’s Syndrome. 

Burke: That automatically disqualifies you for this position. Just as well; you probably could not have lived through the rack anyway. 

Joe Nieuwendyk

For some reason, Joe Nieuwendyk, the second candidate was no longer interested. He said he would not be able to fully commit to the job. Burke is considering legal action against Lanny McDonald; he feels Lanny might have said some things to Joe.

Brian Burke

The third person interested in the position is Brian Burke himself. But he feels he must pass the interview just like anyone else. He agreed to the physical requirements. But before the medical procedures are performed, he must learn to say yes to his own directions, so he agreed to the shock collar. 

Burke President: How do you feel about wearing the collar? 

Burke Applicant: I will if you will. 

(Puts on the collar.)

Burke President: Fine. Now you must always say yes to me and yield to my will.

Burke Applicant: No. 

Unfortunately, Burke shocked himself to unconsciousness, because he refused to submit to himself. They could not carry on with the rack treatment due to his medical condition. But refusing to obey everything the President says seems to be the main issue here. It seems that even Burke cannot say yes to himself.

The Flames are having trouble bringing in any further candidates. No-one seems to be interested anymore. We will keep you posted on this developing story. 


  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. All these bogus trade rumors from all these bloggers, nice to have something funny to read!

  2. I am happy that Nieuwendyk is not interested, he was no good in Dallas

  3. Good stuff poor lanny


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